Facebook or FaceTime?

Don’t buy stock in friendship; like everything else out there on the modern market, its value has gone down. Way down.

I’m going to go ahead and apologize in advance as this is going to come across preachy. I try to avoid sounding as such as I do hate it when my voice sounds like this, but the following sentiment simply has to be shared. I’m coming off some recent let-downs as far as relationships go and feeling a bit jaded. Not that it’s anything new; I have more than my fair share of heart scars. What is significant about it, though, is that I’ve come to the conclusion I have only myself to blame for my disappointment.

I suppose I am something of a Lifetime Befriender; it’s one of the many character flaws I possess. I have this terrible need to like people and trust people and keep liking and trusting people for as long as I know them. Some of my best friends and I go back twenty years or so; which wouldn’t be a huge deal if it weren’t two thirds of my life. It’s safe to say that, if I like you, I will always like you – barring, of course, intentional button pushing and general mean-spiritedness on your part. Or, uh, if you willingly shoot a dog (automatic disqualification, no matter what happens to the dog). I can overlook inadvertent badness, the random drops of bad blood that sometimes pass between friends, and I don’t believe in holding grudges – I’m convinced they prematurely grey your hair– so it takes a bit to get on my bad side and stay there. Over the years, I’ve had many a test of my patience; nevertheless, I still have this inherent need to like people, befriend them and generally keep them around.

This tendency to friend collect and trust unconditionally, however, has proven itself a shortcoming in my character. It is wrong to befriend just anyone and then give credit so haphazardly; especially when it isn’t due. What’s worse is that caring about too many people so easily is destroying my self-respect and distracting me from being true to my standard form. You see, in friendship, I have a doctrine that I naïvely expect will be understood and respected. I realize now that I've compromised my values and have been spreading myself thin amongst the wrong sorts of people – those who clearly do not value friendship in the way that I do.

I believe that friendship shouldn't be difficult. I believe that if you genuinely like someone you should aim to go “all in” and give the utmost respect and attention to said person, even if it sometimes means putting their needs before your own. I believe that in friendship one should want to make gestures of kindness without having selfish underlying agendas driving them. I believe in being appreciative of having friends and being humbled to be a part of their lives. And, finally, I believe that friends should want to spend quality, physical time with one another. That last one has become a doozy to fulfill as of late. And, apparently, none of the above criteria apply to modern incarnations of “friendship” which comes as complete shock to me. The failure of some relationships I have taken care to cultivate in recent years has lead me to realize that the core of my doctrine is seriously outdated.

The folks over at Dentyne have launched an interesting ad campaign using old-school human contact to sell their products. They’ve released a series of commercials and print ads that encourage people to get back to the roots of classic friendly behavior in this modern, technological mess of a society. A shared whisper with a friend, for example, is shown to be “the original instant message.” You can see some of the ads for yourself here: http://www.dentyne.com/

I found this ad campaign rather clever. It didn’t get me to buy a pack of their gum but it certainly got me thinking.

Listen – I’m addicted to online social networking like most every other person today. I love my miscellaneous accounts and enjoy maintaining them. I’ve put in a ridiculous amount of application time on Facebook sending “gifts” to buddies. I’ve killed many a valuable minute updating my status on MySpace in the offset chance someone might actually care to know I’m still alive and kicking and, simultaneously, which “smiley” was applicable to how giddy or jilted I felt at the time. I am in no way anti-technology – far from it! I am grateful to networking engines for putting me back in touch with friends from my past who I nearly lost over the years and for also allowing me the opportunity to make new ones I might not have otherwise known. But although I am a devout fan, I cannot deny that online networking – and technology like instant messaging, emails and texts on mobile phones, even – has contributed to a wane in the quality of friendships. Genuine relating is becoming a thing of the past and is being replaced by online conversation and e-hugs. It has made us forget what work and care it truly takes to cultivate and maintain an honest and meaningful relationship. I’m even tempted to go full-bitter and see online socializing as the perfect cop-out for the socially inept. Instead, however, I understand the convenience of a quick, online “hello” to catch up in lieu of having to push too hard to try to set up a coffee date with friends.

But there go those red flags; why should I have to push to set up a coffee date? Yeah, I'm only left to deduce that whatever friends I thought I had aren't so friendly after all. It brings me back to question the quality and authenticity of those such relationships I have allowed to clutter my life and dilute my attention. And, again, it’s all my fault.

What passes for friendship – or rather, what I’ve allowed to pass as friendship in my life – is an abomination. It’s like a lazy person eating really bad Chinese food. It's eating bland, take-away Lo Mein for which you’ve settled because you couldn’t be bothered to cook up your own, healthier, flavorful meal. You’re wasting your time and energy on some seriously awful, empty calories and you know you’re just going to be hungry again in a few hours. That's it: I must have far too many Empty-Calorie Friendships. Because how else can I account for my life being so chock-full of friends and relations and still find myself walking away weighed down yet hungry for genuine friendliness?

I was corresponding with a long-distance friend a while back and admitted I was feeling increasingly alone even though nothing had really changed in my life. He admitted that he, too, felt similarly and went on to ponder how a person can surround himself with friends, be rich in relationships, and still end up feeling remarkably alone. He wondered how sometimes, no matter how well you’ve surrounded yourself with people, you still wind up with an inexplicable emptiness inside in spite of said efforts. And now I think I understand that feelings like this might just be an aftertaste that comes with having too many modern friendships – friendships that will never be able to fulfill honest, old-school needs such as ours.

(Of course, all of this soul searching and discovery with above mentioned friend happened via email. In my defense, he’s halfway across the world; so call me hypocrite, I guess.)

I don’t know – maybe this recent heartbreak is just being heightened by my upcoming move. All the packing and filtering through old and unwanted items in an attempt to downsize has caused me to want to cut back on my emotional clutter as well. I've thrown out or donated a myriad of old things and trivial memorabilia in the past couple of weeks; a lifetime's worth of uselessness that I've been dragging around with me in the name of nostalgia. I have learned that, at the end of the day, all these little trinkets and pieces of plastic amount to nothing more than stuff collecting dust (and are far heavier to move than actual good memories). Now, though, in addition to this, I realize that I need to stop hoarding paper-thin, trading card friends. I need to save the bubble-wrap for my precious few friends who value honest, old-fashioned friendships like I do and ultimately give back with nary a push. Give me back quality face time. Give me hugs and human contact. Give me deep, meaningful relationships. But give me this only with truly worthy friends.