I am quite full; may I be excused?

Okay.
This one's going to be LONG and all over the place, so please bear with me. (Or just don't read it.)

Allow me, first, to set the stage a bit. I am typing this from the floor of my new and very empty apartment. The last place, mind you, where I'd care to be sitting right now but the only comfort I have at the moment since a truck full of my belongings is delayed. So I sit - keyboard in lap, computer on floor and monitor propped up on a cardboard box - with nothing else to do but to type to try to cope.

What crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy days these past five have been. My quintuplet of craziness began this past Thursday with moving day. Since then it's been meal after meal of character building borscht. Let me break this down:

Menu for Day One:
3 insanely slow-moving movers
23 rolls of Cha-ching tape
2 nervous dogs
Side salad of teary goodbyes
5 hours of delayed driving

From the wee hours of the morning until late afternoon it was nothing but shrink wrap and packing tape (at eight bucks a roll, mind you) as a team full of dudes - bumbling, slow-as-molasses dudes - tried to get what was left of my twelve years worth of shit on to a truck. Granted there was a bit to load, but these boys gave new meaning to the word plodding. Neanderthals could have had it packed up sooner and with less tape. I had planned to be on the road by noon or so and make it to my hotel while there was still light (I hate driving at night... Lasik victim). Never mind the fact that the longer these guys took, the more antsy my dogs became. And the more antsy I became just watching them... watching them tape everything! All that tape made for a hefty addition to the bill in packing supplies; nice one, dudes. I had expected extra costs, but not like this.

So I finally get on the road and am on my way to California (significantly lighter in the pockets). I check us in to hotel number one and think it'll be nice to get rest, knowing that my things are loaded and I'm on my way. No such luck. I must have been wired at that point from over-exhaustion, if there is such a thing. I toss and turn all night. It doesn't help that I find myself glued to footage of a tragic plane crash in Buffalo that happened a few hours earlier, either. I greet the next morning with no sleep. None. But I figured that I've driven tired before, I could do it again.

Menu for Day Two:
Extreme Exhaustion
Rainfall
Fog
Sneak-up-on-you Snow
2 even more nervous dogs
1 faulty car alarm
Dog poo galore

Day two brings weather-related fun. It starts with a bit of rain in the morning, which clears up by the time I hit Sacramento. And then does a 180 in a matter of an hour or so. More rain. Wind. Fog. And then, my new personal favorite: snow. Mother of God, snow. I have never driven in snow like this before. It came out of nowhere and scared the piss out of me. Meanwhile, buried somewhere beneath the heaps of crap I have loaded in my car, are the tire chains my sister and brother-in-law took care to get for me for the trip - you know, just in case. But I am stuck on some scenic route winding through Oregon and I am too afraid to stop for fear my car won't be able to make it through snow and we won't be able to make it to our destination for the day. I'm driving in this snowstorm and I'm just praying. If you know me, you know I'm not religious at all. But I'm thinking to myself, if there is a patron saint watching out for clumsy, half-Asian drivers caught in bad winter weather, let him intervene now and get us all to our destination in one piece.

He does. Somehow we make it in one piece - my poor, tired car slathered in dirt and melting snow. I check in to hotel number two and park the car in the lot and just as I stumble with the dogs out of the car, I hear a muffled "bleep." My faulty, no-good, piece-of-shit, aftermarket car alarm - a car alarm that likes to occasionally activate itself and has never worked right since the day my warped ex-boyfriend installed it as a "surprise" gift - my car alarm turns itself on. And I see it flashing, from outside my locked car - with everything for me and the dogs for the night locked inside. The best part of my aftermarket alarm is the aftermarket clickers that come with it. They never work properly either and are notorious for draining their batteries. And the one that's on my keyring right now? Drained, of course. The other, spare set is taped and double-taped in a box somewhere on a truck with the rest of my life. I panic - I have no screwdriver in that size to replace the battery and no way to get a battery without tripping my alarm and killing my car engine.

Luckily - I am a blatant hopeless wreck and the hotel staff takes pity on me. They drive me around to sort things out and I am able to get access to my car. All is right with the world. And just as we have unloaded and are going up to our room, my Weimaraner decides I haven't had enough excitement for one day and decides to poo in the halls of the hotel while on the run. The security cameras must have picked up some excellent comic footage of me frantically running after her with doggie bags up and down the halls.

And even with the events of the day? Still no continuous sleep. I get a couple hours here. A half an hour there. I am far too tired to sleep once again.

Menu for Days Three and Four:
Hors d'oeuvre of slippery roads and fog
The Driving Dead
15 trips up and down stairs
2 totally and completely nervous misplaced dogs
1 very heavy computer

The next morning I find myself completely devout and holy - praying for good weather so I might not have a repeat of the day before. My nerves are shot at this point. And lo and behold, there is fog and slippery roads on the way up through Oregon. But we trudge through, and no sooner than we are through the bridge and in Washington than the sun comes out and the weather clears and it looks like the makings of a beautiful day.

Tiredness catches up with me at this point and I am the driving dead on the road. But after a lengthy and (thankfully) uneventful drive through the state, we finally reach our destination. My dogs are totally anxious and on edge at this point. To my chagrin, I find I cannot leave them in the apartment alone without them barking up a storm. So WE unload the car for fear they might get us evicted on our first day. Unloading a car full of supplies with one extremely hyperactive dog and one extremely tentative dog in tow is a challenge I wish upon no one (unless, of course, you enjoy being pulled in two directions at once with no free hands to steady yourself while going up and down three flights of stairs numerous times).

And so we spend our first uneasy night in an empty apartment. I am a friggin' zombie at this point, but still animate enough to appreciate how lucky I am to have made it there with all of us intact. I get a few hours of continuous sleep - finally.

The next day sees the arrival of my computer from work and me attempting to set up office in an empty apartment. All I want to do at this point is get back to work - get back to some sort of norm. The computer arrives, but FedEx doesn't DREAM of toting the three heavy boxes up to my apartment for me. Instead, I am left to drag more boxes up more stairs on my own, sans dollies or handles or extra hands or what have you.

I am a mac girl 'til the end. I love apple computers. But I was cursing Steve Jobs and this gloriously gunmetal two-ton motherfucker by the end of the day. How I made it up the stairs without dropping and trashing thousands and thousands of dollars worth of equipment is beyond me. Perhaps there is a patron saint of exhausted girls balancing massively bulky boxes who was watching out for me yesterday.

Menu for Day Five:
1 encouraging start
1 discouraging discovery
2 flea-infested dogs
1 massive freak out session

I started today thankful that I might get back to normal once and for all. I get some work assignments today and am trying to get back into the swing of things (albeit from the floor... not only are my mover slow to pack, they're slow to deliver, too) when I make a horrible discovery. At some point or another, my poor dogs have picked up fleas. Hotel One? Hotel Two? Apartment? I don't know. All I do know is that my little one walks in to my "office" while I'm working today and just sort of stretches and looks at me for a second and I notice one - a little moving critter. And then another one. And I do what any other hot-blooded hormonal female rightfully does in such a scenario: I royally freak the fuck out.

I mean - there are NO fleas in the desert. And I've moved these poor girls here and exposed them to fleas, no less. They're shifting around right now, trying to find comfort in this uncomfortably empty apartment and it's all my fault. Bad dog mom. Bad dog mom, indeed. All afternoon I've been an emotional wreck. And I've been cleaning non-stop - the dogs, the apartment, loads and loads of laundry... me. I mean that would be the cherry on top, wouldn't it? To be that "new girl" with fleas. How can I ever expect to make new friends here as icky Flea Girl?

And while we're on the topic of friends, the one true one I had in Vegas and left behind has been amazing. Like insanely amazing. She packed me food for my trip, left me notes of encouragement and sprinkled gifts in my car - I mean, we're talking Goodwill Fairy here and I love her all the more for it. And the kicker is she spoon-fed me through this flea crisis this afternoon. I, of course, repay her by blubbering like an idiot over the phone, "what am I doing here? I should never have left my comfort zone." True to negative-thinking form. Some new beginning, eh?

I haven't slept well in a week. I am physically and emotionally spent. I know I've written a LOT here yet again (note to self for future: quit whining so damn verbosely) and I am slightly apologetic for it but also relieved in knowing I've shared. I feel awful that my first feelings in my new place are ones of doubt. Have I made the right choice in coming here? Are all these bumps I've encountered along the way signs that I shouldn't have come? Or are they just helpings of lumpy character-building goodness? If so - I get it already. I am quite full as I've had one too many servings. I'd like some time to digest.

Whatever the case, I'm too tired to figure it out. We shall have to see what tomorrow brings (well, fumigators and more nervousness from the dogs as I get to remove them from their home yet again) and hope for the best.

Facebook or FaceTime?

Don’t buy stock in friendship; like everything else out there on the modern market, its value has gone down. Way down.

I’m going to go ahead and apologize in advance as this is going to come across preachy. I try to avoid sounding as such as I do hate it when my voice sounds like this, but the following sentiment simply has to be shared. I’m coming off some recent let-downs as far as relationships go and feeling a bit jaded. Not that it’s anything new; I have more than my fair share of heart scars. What is significant about it, though, is that I’ve come to the conclusion I have only myself to blame for my disappointment.

I suppose I am something of a Lifetime Befriender; it’s one of the many character flaws I possess. I have this terrible need to like people and trust people and keep liking and trusting people for as long as I know them. Some of my best friends and I go back twenty years or so; which wouldn’t be a huge deal if it weren’t two thirds of my life. It’s safe to say that, if I like you, I will always like you – barring, of course, intentional button pushing and general mean-spiritedness on your part. Or, uh, if you willingly shoot a dog (automatic disqualification, no matter what happens to the dog). I can overlook inadvertent badness, the random drops of bad blood that sometimes pass between friends, and I don’t believe in holding grudges – I’m convinced they prematurely grey your hair– so it takes a bit to get on my bad side and stay there. Over the years, I’ve had many a test of my patience; nevertheless, I still have this inherent need to like people, befriend them and generally keep them around.

This tendency to friend collect and trust unconditionally, however, has proven itself a shortcoming in my character. It is wrong to befriend just anyone and then give credit so haphazardly; especially when it isn’t due. What’s worse is that caring about too many people so easily is destroying my self-respect and distracting me from being true to my standard form. You see, in friendship, I have a doctrine that I naïvely expect will be understood and respected. I realize now that I've compromised my values and have been spreading myself thin amongst the wrong sorts of people – those who clearly do not value friendship in the way that I do.

I believe that friendship shouldn't be difficult. I believe that if you genuinely like someone you should aim to go “all in” and give the utmost respect and attention to said person, even if it sometimes means putting their needs before your own. I believe that in friendship one should want to make gestures of kindness without having selfish underlying agendas driving them. I believe in being appreciative of having friends and being humbled to be a part of their lives. And, finally, I believe that friends should want to spend quality, physical time with one another. That last one has become a doozy to fulfill as of late. And, apparently, none of the above criteria apply to modern incarnations of “friendship” which comes as complete shock to me. The failure of some relationships I have taken care to cultivate in recent years has lead me to realize that the core of my doctrine is seriously outdated.

The folks over at Dentyne have launched an interesting ad campaign using old-school human contact to sell their products. They’ve released a series of commercials and print ads that encourage people to get back to the roots of classic friendly behavior in this modern, technological mess of a society. A shared whisper with a friend, for example, is shown to be “the original instant message.” You can see some of the ads for yourself here: http://www.dentyne.com/

I found this ad campaign rather clever. It didn’t get me to buy a pack of their gum but it certainly got me thinking.

Listen – I’m addicted to online social networking like most every other person today. I love my miscellaneous accounts and enjoy maintaining them. I’ve put in a ridiculous amount of application time on Facebook sending “gifts” to buddies. I’ve killed many a valuable minute updating my status on MySpace in the offset chance someone might actually care to know I’m still alive and kicking and, simultaneously, which “smiley” was applicable to how giddy or jilted I felt at the time. I am in no way anti-technology – far from it! I am grateful to networking engines for putting me back in touch with friends from my past who I nearly lost over the years and for also allowing me the opportunity to make new ones I might not have otherwise known. But although I am a devout fan, I cannot deny that online networking – and technology like instant messaging, emails and texts on mobile phones, even – has contributed to a wane in the quality of friendships. Genuine relating is becoming a thing of the past and is being replaced by online conversation and e-hugs. It has made us forget what work and care it truly takes to cultivate and maintain an honest and meaningful relationship. I’m even tempted to go full-bitter and see online socializing as the perfect cop-out for the socially inept. Instead, however, I understand the convenience of a quick, online “hello” to catch up in lieu of having to push too hard to try to set up a coffee date with friends.

But there go those red flags; why should I have to push to set up a coffee date? Yeah, I'm only left to deduce that whatever friends I thought I had aren't so friendly after all. It brings me back to question the quality and authenticity of those such relationships I have allowed to clutter my life and dilute my attention. And, again, it’s all my fault.

What passes for friendship – or rather, what I’ve allowed to pass as friendship in my life – is an abomination. It’s like a lazy person eating really bad Chinese food. It's eating bland, take-away Lo Mein for which you’ve settled because you couldn’t be bothered to cook up your own, healthier, flavorful meal. You’re wasting your time and energy on some seriously awful, empty calories and you know you’re just going to be hungry again in a few hours. That's it: I must have far too many Empty-Calorie Friendships. Because how else can I account for my life being so chock-full of friends and relations and still find myself walking away weighed down yet hungry for genuine friendliness?

I was corresponding with a long-distance friend a while back and admitted I was feeling increasingly alone even though nothing had really changed in my life. He admitted that he, too, felt similarly and went on to ponder how a person can surround himself with friends, be rich in relationships, and still end up feeling remarkably alone. He wondered how sometimes, no matter how well you’ve surrounded yourself with people, you still wind up with an inexplicable emptiness inside in spite of said efforts. And now I think I understand that feelings like this might just be an aftertaste that comes with having too many modern friendships – friendships that will never be able to fulfill honest, old-school needs such as ours.

(Of course, all of this soul searching and discovery with above mentioned friend happened via email. In my defense, he’s halfway across the world; so call me hypocrite, I guess.)

I don’t know – maybe this recent heartbreak is just being heightened by my upcoming move. All the packing and filtering through old and unwanted items in an attempt to downsize has caused me to want to cut back on my emotional clutter as well. I've thrown out or donated a myriad of old things and trivial memorabilia in the past couple of weeks; a lifetime's worth of uselessness that I've been dragging around with me in the name of nostalgia. I have learned that, at the end of the day, all these little trinkets and pieces of plastic amount to nothing more than stuff collecting dust (and are far heavier to move than actual good memories). Now, though, in addition to this, I realize that I need to stop hoarding paper-thin, trading card friends. I need to save the bubble-wrap for my precious few friends who value honest, old-fashioned friendships like I do and ultimately give back with nary a push. Give me back quality face time. Give me hugs and human contact. Give me deep, meaningful relationships. But give me this only with truly worthy friends.