Thursday, February 5, 2009

Facebook or FaceTime?

Don’t buy stock in friendship; like everything else out there on the modern market, its value has gone down. Way down.

I’m going to go ahead and apologize in advance as this is going to come across preachy. I try to avoid sounding as such as I do hate it when my voice sounds like this, but the following sentiment simply has to be shared. I’m coming off some recent let-downs as far as relationships go and feeling a bit jaded. Not that it’s anything new; I have more than my fair share of heart scars. What is significant about it, though, is that I’ve come to the conclusion I have only myself to blame for my disappointment.

I suppose I am something of a Lifetime Befriender; it’s one of the many character flaws I possess. I have this terrible need to like people and trust people and keep liking and trusting people for as long as I know them. Some of my best friends and I go back twenty years or so; which wouldn’t be a huge deal if it weren’t two thirds of my life. It’s safe to say that, if I like you, I will always like you – barring, of course, intentional button pushing and general mean-spiritedness on your part. Or, uh, if you willingly shoot a dog (automatic disqualification, no matter what happens to the dog). I can overlook inadvertent badness, the random drops of bad blood that sometimes pass between friends, and I don’t believe in holding grudges – I’m convinced they prematurely grey your hair– so it takes a bit to get on my bad side and stay there. Over the years, I’ve had many a test of my patience; nevertheless, I still have this inherent need to like people, befriend them and generally keep them around.

This tendency to friend collect and trust unconditionally, however, has proven itself a shortcoming in my character. It is wrong to befriend just anyone and then give credit so haphazardly; especially when it isn’t due. What’s worse is that caring about too many people so easily is destroying my self-respect and distracting me from being true to my standard form. You see, in friendship, I have a doctrine that I naïvely expect will be understood and respected. I realize now that I've compromised my values and have been spreading myself thin amongst the wrong sorts of people – those who clearly do not value friendship in the way that I do.

I believe that friendship shouldn't be difficult. I believe that if you genuinely like someone you should aim to go “all in” and give the utmost respect and attention to said person, even if it sometimes means putting their needs before your own. I believe that in friendship one should want to make gestures of kindness without having selfish underlying agendas driving them. I believe in being appreciative of having friends and being humbled to be a part of their lives. And, finally, I believe that friends should want to spend quality, physical time with one another. That last one has become a doozy to fulfill as of late. And, apparently, none of the above criteria apply to modern incarnations of “friendship” which comes as complete shock to me. The failure of some relationships I have taken care to cultivate in recent years has lead me to realize that the core of my doctrine is seriously outdated.

The folks over at Dentyne have launched an interesting ad campaign using old-school human contact to sell their products. They’ve released a series of commercials and print ads that encourage people to get back to the roots of classic friendly behavior in this modern, technological mess of a society. A shared whisper with a friend, for example, is shown to be “the original instant message.” You can see some of the ads for yourself here: http://www.dentyne.com/

I found this ad campaign rather clever. It didn’t get me to buy a pack of their gum but it certainly got me thinking.

Listen – I’m addicted to online social networking like most every other person today. I love my miscellaneous accounts and enjoy maintaining them. I’ve put in a ridiculous amount of application time on Facebook sending “gifts” to buddies. I’ve killed many a valuable minute updating my status on MySpace in the offset chance someone might actually care to know I’m still alive and kicking and, simultaneously, which “smiley” was applicable to how giddy or jilted I felt at the time. I am in no way anti-technology – far from it! I am grateful to networking engines for putting me back in touch with friends from my past who I nearly lost over the years and for also allowing me the opportunity to make new ones I might not have otherwise known. But although I am a devout fan, I cannot deny that online networking – and technology like instant messaging, emails and texts on mobile phones, even – has contributed to a wane in the quality of friendships. Genuine relating is becoming a thing of the past and is being replaced by online conversation and e-hugs. It has made us forget what work and care it truly takes to cultivate and maintain an honest and meaningful relationship. I’m even tempted to go full-bitter and see online socializing as the perfect cop-out for the socially inept. Instead, however, I understand the convenience of a quick, online “hello” to catch up in lieu of having to push too hard to try to set up a coffee date with friends.

But there go those red flags; why should I have to push to set up a coffee date? Yeah, I'm only left to deduce that whatever friends I thought I had aren't so friendly after all. It brings me back to question the quality and authenticity of those such relationships I have allowed to clutter my life and dilute my attention. And, again, it’s all my fault.

What passes for friendship – or rather, what I’ve allowed to pass as friendship in my life – is an abomination. It’s like a lazy person eating really bad Chinese food. It's eating bland, take-away Lo Mein for which you’ve settled because you couldn’t be bothered to cook up your own, healthier, flavorful meal. You’re wasting your time and energy on some seriously awful, empty calories and you know you’re just going to be hungry again in a few hours. That's it: I must have far too many Empty-Calorie Friendships. Because how else can I account for my life being so chock-full of friends and relations and still find myself walking away weighed down yet hungry for genuine friendliness?

I was corresponding with a long-distance friend a while back and admitted I was feeling increasingly alone even though nothing had really changed in my life. He admitted that he, too, felt similarly and went on to ponder how a person can surround himself with friends, be rich in relationships, and still end up feeling remarkably alone. He wondered how sometimes, no matter how well you’ve surrounded yourself with people, you still wind up with an inexplicable emptiness inside in spite of said efforts. And now I think I understand that feelings like this might just be an aftertaste that comes with having too many modern friendships – friendships that will never be able to fulfill honest, old-school needs such as ours.

(Of course, all of this soul searching and discovery with above mentioned friend happened via email. In my defense, he’s halfway across the world; so call me hypocrite, I guess.)

I don’t know – maybe this recent heartbreak is just being heightened by my upcoming move. All the packing and filtering through old and unwanted items in an attempt to downsize has caused me to want to cut back on my emotional clutter as well. I've thrown out or donated a myriad of old things and trivial memorabilia in the past couple of weeks; a lifetime's worth of uselessness that I've been dragging around with me in the name of nostalgia. I have learned that, at the end of the day, all these little trinkets and pieces of plastic amount to nothing more than stuff collecting dust (and are far heavier to move than actual good memories). Now, though, in addition to this, I realize that I need to stop hoarding paper-thin, trading card friends. I need to save the bubble-wrap for my precious few friends who value honest, old-fashioned friendships like I do and ultimately give back with nary a push. Give me back quality face time. Give me hugs and human contact. Give me deep, meaningful relationships. But give me this only with truly worthy friends.

4 comments:

Anonymous February 5, 2009 at 11:45 PM  

At first I thought it was a little cheesy the allusion you made from friendship to the investment market, but quickly realized how accurate you were.

It's interesting to note that your point is sadly validated by whoever comments here, starting with me, ha! I'm not saying people who don't take the time to read this and comment don't care, but it seems to be relevant to what you were saying that this is what passes for attentiveness these days. Commenting here or there, then people crack their knuckles, say "ahhh! my work is done" and feel socially connected to you. I don't want to tie everything to age, so I'll just say maybe we're old-fashioned. And what the hell is wrong with physical human contact. I like how we all have cell phones but we fucking TEXT for gods sake! I came back three months ago, and only one friend has gone out of her way to visit me (a whole 10 miles outside downtown Seattle). Even tried calling, facebooking, myspacing, and sometimes I'll specifically ask "when we getting together?" and am met with silence, no text reply. Rather than pathetically trying to keep in touch, I stopped a long time ago. Not worth it. Lonely, but a little more certain, and emotionally healthy.
I just want to tell you that though I have not known you long, D, if you were here already, I'd be bowing my head at your soapbox, and clinking glasses with you at some dingy bar once you were done. I've never had the guts to completely spill myself as you have here, despite the fact that I, swear to mighty Ra, feel each and every one of your points. Like if I knew I just wasn't that important, fine, I'll deal, but I felt that these people were on some level. Like you said, maybe they didn't deserve it so unconditionally. But like you said with setting up a coffee date or something simple? (Funny, a friend who was allegedly thrilled to see me, we tried and tried to set one up, now she sends me two line emails-- when I prompt her with one myself, first.) I mean this in the humblest of manners, but who the fuck do we think we are, and just how fucking important do we think we are? I'm sorry, I know all the "busy" excuses, I've been petty in my life, but then realized how important other people are to me, and if you think about it, are all that keep us each from existing in a vacuum.

I'll end on a humble, self-aware note, and reference your sentiment that you shared
"I have a doctrine that I naïvely expect will be understood and returned in some small way. I realize now that I've... been spreading myself thin amongst... those who clearly do not value friendship in the way that I do."
It's kinda sad, but part of my nature wants to expect the best of people, not least of which is because I expect a lot of myself as a human being, and I realize that's a flaw that needs to be reined in. Friendship/love shouldn't be hard, yet it shouldn't be given so completely or freely. At the end of the day, it's still something that has to be earned, which is a challenge for me as someone who is naturally generous and a sharer. So anyway, when you wrote that part, it stung because you reminded me of that. But a little comforted, to know I'm not the only naive one.

Once you get some free time, seriously, don't get freaked out, I'll swing by what ever tiny burg you moved to or we can have some coffee time (ha ha) downtown or something. For real-- I love ideas, the zanier the better, but only if they're going to be fulfilled. (I hate people who are all talk, ironic, coming from a writer.) A practical dreamer, you might say. A friend turned me on to this webcomic, and this one I find particularly relevant
http://xkcd.com/187/
Read it, then hold the cursor over the panel for the author's commentary. (My embarrassing admission is that is one of my core hopes that I continue to secretly cling to with all my heart, despite the lack of evidence that it will be worth it.)

Besides, I could use some company. Like my self-esteem hasn't taken a hit either, since I've been back here.

Anyway chin up, it's almost moving time! One love--
Sam B

Anonymous February 6, 2009 at 12:04 AM  

Typical me, typical me, typical me, I started blabbering, and you never got your
*HUG*
(sing along with the Smiths!)

M.'s Ramblings February 6, 2009 at 6:11 PM  

Whoa- that's a blog entry. Moving has this affect, I think. It just makes you think: 1) I don't need this shit, and I will be better off if I simplify. Towards my last year in Phoenix, I was a garage sale fiend. As in, I wanted to keep having garage sales to get rid of my stuff (and my roommates' stuff too! lol)

2) Your real friends will make an effort to call, write, and email you of their own free will, without gentle prodding, or begging, or bullying. So I don't chase after people to be my friend, if you want to participate in my life, you have my number, email, physical address, etc. The door is always open to you, once you are considered a friend.
I got into another frenzy where I wanted to hang out with all my friends as much as possible, before I made the move up here. But only a select few were as gung ho as me, and I will never forget that. I don't hold grudges, but I remember things like that, and I keep a scoreboard in my head (and my heart.)

***when you make the move - (while I'm sure you'll be much more fortunate to live in an area more cosmopolitan) future coffee dates with me will include diaper changes, and subsequent baby blabbering. Hope that doesn't scare ya.

The Virtual Couch February 6, 2009 at 10:35 PM  

G'day Diona,

well I haven't had the privilege to actually meet you in person (yet) so we are limited to the electronic means of staying in touch and developing (what I think) is a fantastic friendship.

I suspect your long distance friend came to the same conclusion as yourself.

Myself, I've been lucky enough to rediscover a few old friendships by facebook, and you know what? I've been lucky that these rediscovered friends actually value the face to face time.

Anyway, keep up the writing, I really enjoy reading it, be it here in blog, or in email or messages.

I also look forward to the day when I really can "say g'day" in person and give you a big old Aussie hug!

:)

J.